If there’s a purpose to What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, I’m not sure that E! and the titular swimmer are painting it with the same set of fingers. The network’s newest reality series debuted last night, as the 11-time Olympic swimming medalist wants to give his fans and, more importantly, people like me, who believe that he is a human cartoon character, a glimpse into his daily life as the ultimate All-American boy. The only problem is that E! and the show’s producers do not share that desire.
Once I came to that realization in the show’s opening moments, when we see him shouting his trademark made-up word, “JEAH!” all over the place, my mind began to wander, ultimately making me ask myself this question: Is Ryan Lochte the greatest genius that this world has ever known?
The show is a scripted mess, as obvious as a punch to the face, but if that’s how Lochte has chosen to let us into his world, then it’s not the worst thing we’ve watched. After all, it may be for the better that someone is feeding him lines, because the greatest takeaway from the entire first episode is that Lochte doesn’t know his d**k from a doorknob. He doesn’t know what a douchebag is. He doesn’t know how many medals he has won. He can barely put a sentence together without his face freezing like a bad iPad app, and he speaks almost entirely in catchphrases and bad bro clichés.
If Lochte ends up dating or sleeping with Carmen Electra, his unlocked BRO-chievement will reach EPIC status alongside Ashton Kutcher’s trucker hats and Derek Jeter’s first two fingers.