I understand! In America, we like to be unique, and different, and honestly, in America, we make some pretty weird and useless crap.
As for holiday inventions? These take the cake.
Candy Cane Menorah; US Patent #0044,790 (2006)
Dad's a Christian, mom's a Jew; what to do? Celebrate both holidays with a candy cane menorah, you brilliant little mensch, you!
Cloth Bottle Cover with a Santa Claus Design; US Patent #D481,267 (2003)
For one month everyone else's binge drinking outshines your year-round problem. Keep your beloved bottles of booze warm and toasty in a wintry cloth bottle cover with a Santa design. Suddenly an alcohol problem becomes a cute quirk!
Corn Cob Santa; US Patent #511,313 (2005)
Husk-Husk-Husk! Merry Christmas! Who says chestnuts are the official food of Christmas? This year corn refuses to take a back seat during the holidays just because we associate it with the Fourth of July and picnics.
Candy Cane-Shaped Pasta; US Patent #352,372 (1994)
If it doesn't taste like peppermint, then we're not sure what the point of candy cane-shaped pasta is. Pass the gingerbread ham, please.
Elf Doll; US Patent #341,637 (1993)
The stuff of nightmares is what this deranged elf doll is made of. The knife he's going to plunge into your chest while sugar plum fairies dance around your head not included.
Decorative Penile Wrap; US Patent #6,145,506 (2000)
Men with erectile dysfunction finally have a holiday worth celebrating. Even if your little friend has been acting like a real Scrooge lately, he'll come around once inserted into this cheery snowman penile wrap!
Doll Formed in the Likeness of the Lord Jesus; US Patent #5,465,625 (1995)
Dolls formed in the likeness of the Lord Jesus flew off shelves last year at Christmas. We have to have faith that just like Tickle Me Elmo, the Jesus doll will be returning one day so be prepared.
Kit for Simulating a Visit from Santa Claus; US Patent#116,049 (2006)
If you weren't sure how to leave crumbs on a plate or forge a note from Santa yourself, this handy-dandy all inclusive "kit for simulating a visit from Santa Claus" gives step by step instructions on how to pull one over on a four-year-old. Includes reindeer hoof print maker.
Storage Container for a Wreath; US Patent Application #103,656 (2005)
Standard boxes have always worked just fine when it comes to "storing" a holiday wreath but this inventor, who we're assuming wears a retainer, begs to differ. This application got stored in the garbage.
Christmas Tree Vibrator; US Patent #2,522,906 (1950)
Ornaments will fly when you strap on this "highly pleasing" Christmas tree vibrator! With a portable unit that can be attached to any tree size, you can adjust the intensity of the vibration with the flip of a switch
Inflatable Ornament Application; US Patent #4,358,487 (1982)
We are guessing that these inflatable ornaments were invented by a child of the '50s who grew up with a vibrating Christmas tree in his home.
Now they are messing with the story of Christmas too?!
Nativity Scene Including Santa and Rudolph; US Patent #D587,161 (2009)
"Away in a manger no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head, and if you ever saw it you would really say it glows." This Nativity scene is also available with Frosty the Snowman, The Grinch, or Macauly Caulkin.
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