Sort of lost in the excitement of Jon Stewart’s epic return to the Daily Show last night was the fact that he delivered a hilarious but poignant rant segment on the situation with Syria, a situation that increasingly points to war – despite the Obama White House’s insistence to not call it “war” – with each passing day. And what we’ve been told is the main justification for some form of military intervention in Syria is that its leader, Bashar al-Assad, has allegedly killed scores of his own people using chemical weapons. Gee, where have we heard that one before? (Note to authoritarian rulers: if you want to kill a bunch of your own citizens, do it with machetes and guns and other more conventional weaponry and there won’t be any trouble.)
“You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people, you have to do it organically!” Stewart said. “America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally-sourced free long-range ordnance.”
After playing a series of clips of the usual idiot cable news pundits insisting that by not bombing Syria — the secret motivation for which some naturally think has more to do with the Western world’s insatiable thirst for fossil fuels than it does with humanitarian efforts — Obama would look weak, Stewart reminded us that if the United States were a person it’d more often than not be a schoolyard bully, and one ravished with insecurity over having a little dick at that.
“So given the fact that we have no idea who would have control over these chemical weapons in a failed Syria, remind us again why we have to do this?” Stewart asked. “Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in seventh grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually a dick-measuring ribbon.”
By the way, "operation: just the tip" sounds like a pretty fun game. I'd totally play that board game.