1. "This fridge is designed to hold 11 eggs. Why? Because fuck you, that's why."
2. "And guess what: none of them fit. U mad?"
3. "Here, have an assload of yellow starbursts, 'cause THAT'S ALL YOU DESERVE."
4. "Wait–were you thirsty for some sweet, sweet Coke? How about you just get to look at the can and imagine how it tastes?"
5. "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to wash more than just your thumbnail? TOO BAD."
6. "What, did you think a steak knife could actually cut through butter? I guess that's your fault for being such a shit-slurping fool."
7. "Because God hates you and you just don't deserve the freedom of a bicycle."
8. "Delicious milk is not for the likes of you, you milkless dolt."
9. "LOL did you want to drink that beer?"
10. "Because nothing will ever be easy. At least not for the likes of you."
11. "Jenga doesn't give a shit about you, either."
12. "That's what you get for trying to be clean and sanitary. Also, I figure now is a good time to tell you that you're adopted and your parents want to return you to the orphanage."
13. "What are you gonna do about it, blockhead?"
14. "Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to have a pleasant walk on this nice trail? Tough shit, get on the grass like the scum you are."
15. "Hey punk, let's see you try to live your life in spider-free peace now."
17. "Do you know why these things happen? because you deserve to be lied to."
18. "Fuck you" -Siri
19. "Now you'll never be able to wipe again without imagining spiders. How does that feel? Is it scary? 'Cause I'd be scared if I were you."