Summer wedding season is upon us, and some of us are not excited.
Listen, we’re not cold; weddings are great. There’s only one kind of person who loves summer weddings, though: the kind of person who is about to have a summer wedding. Even then, those summer brides and grooms-to-be only like their own summer weddings — everyone else having one has some nerve. If your fridge is full of summer wedding invites and your bank account is drained from registry gifts, commiserate with us with our list of 10 reasons why summer weddings are the worst.
Has anyone getting married ever heard of the month of February? It seems like all of the weddings in our lives are crammed into the space between May and August, alongside every other fun thing going on all year.
Sure there's that little bit of time between Thanksgiving and New Year's, but that's shorter than summer, and we spend the rest of our year sitting around on the internet waiting for summer. Can't we spread it out a little, marrieds? We get that it's "your day," but couldn't you pick a day where we couldn't be at the beach, instead?
Here's a fun fact about summer: it's freaking hot. We want to be in shorts and sandals, not suits and fancy dresses. It's already hard to figure out what to wear to a wedding, but adding 90 degree weather to the list makes it almost impossible to be appropriate and comfortable. If you need us, we'll be taking an AC break in the car.
For the unwed, weddings can be a gnawing reminder of their empty ring finger, and that's totally normal. While we are all entitled to a certain number of "coming-of-age-self-pity" moments, a summer wedding really slaps us in our slick, rosy faces with it.
Somehow (pre-wedding Botox sweat treatments, probably) the bride and groom appear to be pore-less, dry amphibians in the directly-sunlit location they've selected. Nothing says #foreveralone quite like a sweat-stache.
Sure these wedding guests look happy now, but you won't see any of them at the 11am brunch tomorrow, trust us.
Unless you're at a dry wedding (and if you are, may God have mercy on your soul), alcohol is one of the highlights of wedding receptions. When it's hot out we are thirsty, and it all goes down mighty easily. Accidentally quenching your thirst with too many Jack and Cokes (only an acceptable choice at weddings) is an express train to a toilet-hugging morning after.
While a weekend getaway or even a destination wedding may sound like an excuse to take a mini-vacation, don't be fooled -- you won't get to do anything you want to do. Wedding weekends are usually jam-packed with mandatory brunches. Like all day long. Why do people need to eat so much brunch before and after they get married?
Just when you thought all of your blood had already been sucked from the airfare, hotel room and wedding gifts...
The "rustic" (un-mowed) field of grass where the "summery, picnic-style" (translation: sandwiches for dinner) reception is taking place is the perfect breeding ground for summer pests. It's not just the mosquitos either -- summer weddings mean steering clear of bees, wasps, bee-phobic guests and those tiny ants that always seem to get to your cake before you do.
Particularly early on in the season there's a good chance that a summer wedding will include at least a brief sun shower. If the wedding planner was prepared, you'll end up trapped in a white plastic-enclosed steam box tent.
Our advice: take up smoking, so you can spend most of your time bumming Virginia Slims from the groom's Aunt Margie. If they weren't prepared, then you should prep for a full-on bridal meltdown. We recommend having a "rain is good luck!" speech ready.
Seriously, why have a picnic-themed wedding, when both the bride and the groom are from inner-city Chicago and hate the outdoors? Watermelon sends the groom into allergic anaphylactic shock, and yet there's fresh watermelon "carving stations" bordering the outdoor dance floor. Why are we all sitting on itchy hay bales despite the abundance of stacked chairs we found behind the tent while looking for the bar?
Chocolate fountains are our favorite part of weddings; any machine that lets you eat fruit and delicious, lavishly-flowing cocoa at the same time is the best machine on earth. Unfortunately, summer is the season of ruin for chocolate, and the sun will dry up a chocolate fountain faster than...well, faster than a chocolate fountain gets used up under normal circumstances. Which is pretty fast.
After the wedding is finally over, we all return home, and back to work on Monday. The bride and groom however (architects of our weekend torture) head off to some exotic resort to swim in tropical seas and be hand-fed grapes and champagne. We've never been on a honeymoon, but that's what we imagine it's like, and it makes us so made we want to return that hand mixer we got them from Williams-Sonoma.