Fails of the Year

It was a game effort by the first lady to get Americans to eat healthier. She founded the "Let's Move!" campaign to get our children to contemplate forward locomotion.

She even wrote a book about growing her own vegetables, which many people bought as a passive-aggressive way of telling someone they're fat. And yet we're still all hopeless corpulent shits. You tried, Mrs. Obama. You really did. Sorry we're such poor listeners. Now why not join the winning team and indulge in this delicious pint of Häagen-Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream? It's so rich and sweet and delectable. Come on. REWARD YOURSELF.

Was anyone inspired by Mitt Romney? Did anyone vote enthusiastically for Mitt Romney? Of course not. Voting for Romney is like hooking up with the last single person at the bar at 4 a.m. The only successful thing he did this year was embody every black stand-up comedian's impression of a white person. Thank God the election's over. No more endless photos of Mitt staring winsomely off-camera with that attempted smile on his face. No more glaring campaign mishaps week after week after week. No more labored media efforts to make him look like anything other than Sheldon Adelson's pampered money Dumpster. Good-bye, Mitt. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life quietly ensconced at Lake Winnipesaukee, blissfully ignorant of the plight of anyone who doesn't have $300 million squirreled away in the Bahamas.

That cheerleading outfit isn't making you look any younger, Madge. It's time for you to stop putting out aggressively bland comeback albums and make room for Ke$ha and Katy and the other 800 female artists out there who change outfits every five minutes to distract people from their terrible singing.

Good job, guys! You really showed those Wall Street bigwigs you meant business by failing to adopt proper leadership and embodying virtually every awful liberal-hippie stereotype—the hand signals, the completely non-germane protest signs, the white-boy dreadlocks... I mean, you really went all out to piss away the public's sympathy as quickly as possible. Say what you will about the Tea Party, at least it managed to get people elected.

Good job, guys! You really showed those Wall Street bigwigs you meant business by failing to adopt proper leadership and embodying virtually every awful liberal-hippie stereotype—the hand signals, the completely non-germane protest signs, the white-boy dreadlocks... I mean, you really went all out to piss away the public's sympathy as quickly as possible. Say what you will about the Tea Party, at least it managed to get people elected.