Excuse me while I freak the F out and curl up in a ball and wet myself, but a man in Spotsylvania County, Virginia believes that he broke a world record last week for catching a three-foot northern snakehead fish. Caleb Newton’s haul weighed in at approximately 17-pounds and six ounces, which he believes would break the world record by approximately two ounces. He told WTKR news that the catch was so big that he couldn’t even fit it into his cooler. “Haha, that’s awesome”, said his wife as she packed a suitcase and put the kids in the car when he brought it home.
So why is this a big deal at all? Well, for starters, the northern snakehead fish is referred to as the “Frankenfish” less because it was lesser known SNL castmember that became a politician and more because it can walk on land. If that’s not creepy enough for you, these hideous monsters are not supposed to be in America and therefore have no natural predators. They will eat your dogs, cats, babies, arms and even each other.
These fish must be stopped and there’s only one Caleb Newton.