Division - new посты

’d argue that few things in the modern world are more hated than the perpetually emoting panda bear we call Drake and ESPN’s Sportscenter, which has sadly become something less about highlights and sports news and some more about “debate” and corporate “synergy,” or something. That said, Drake has a new album out today, as you may have heard, (along with a new video) and he appeared on Sportscenter this morning to promote it, which when you really stop and think about it is just perfect. What did Drake talk about and do on Sportscenter, you ask? Here’s a rundown… 1. How he and Johnny Football are BFFs. “I consider myself a positive reinforcement in his life…I think we’ll be friends for a long time,” said Drake.

The headline makes it sound like they sat down and went over a bunch of paperwork, but trust me, it involves them punching each other in the face. Recently, the NHL’s GMs and the Board of Governors created and approved a new rule that gives players a two-minute minor penalty for removing their helmet before a fight, leaving you with seven minutes in the box; five for fighting and two for unsportsmanlike conduct. They want to curb fighting in the league, and figured two hockey guys were gonna get mad at each other, skate up face to face, decide they don’t want to punch each others’ helmets and, I don’t know, shake on it? Brett Gallant of the New York Islanders and Krys Barch of the New Jersey Devils have almost instantaneously made that rule look dumb as dirt by removing one another’s helmets before throwing hands. Whoops!

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?” And I said, “No” because I’m just a huge Eastbound & Down fan; however, I’d gladly shill for just about anybody if they asked (especially you, Taco Bell and/or Jeep). Tomorrow night at 10 PM ET, Kenny Powers will make his magnificent return for the fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and it will be awesome because this show is simply awesome. But to make his return even more glorious than it already is, Kenny Powers (or Danny McBride to some sticklers) has recorded a series of messages to the fans of baseball's biggest cities, each one more ridiculous and outstanding than the next. So I went ahead and gathered several (or 10) of my favorites and paired them with my equally favorite Kenny Powers fashion statements from the first three seasons.

Did I lure you in with the sexy, racy title? Good. Because that’s not really what happened at all. Last night, the Minnesota Lynx took a 1-0 lead over the Phoenix Mercury in the WNBA Western Conference Finals, and Diana Taurasi led the way for Phoenix in the losing effort with 15 points. However, Taurasi lost her cool a little in the 4th period and shoved Seimone Augustus with her shoulder and the ref gave both women a technical foul. What he missed when T-ing them up, though, was Taurasi immediately showing that it was all in good fun by kissing her longtime rival on the cheek. But obviously, that’s not nearly as cool as suggesting that they kissed each other. The problem with all of it, though, is that the Internet is a horrible, vile place, filled with the lowest scum on the face of the planet, and you can only imagine the YouTube comments that have followed. (Or you can read some here so you don’t have to imagine.)

NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is not afraid to lean into pop culture. Whether he’s teaching Uncle Jesse how to play basketball on ‘Full House,’ playing golf with Uncle Phil on ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air,’ appearing on worthless, quickly-canceled sitcoms of the 2010s or simply jumping on the We Hate Lena Dunham bandwagon, Kareem will participate in your popular things and wallow. His most famous contribution to pop culture (you know, besides all the basketball) is still his turn as Roger Murdock, the airplane co-pilot who is also probably Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in the legendary 1980 comedy Airplane. Randomly, Abdul-Jabbar is now returning to that role in a series of Zucker Brothers/Jim Abrahams-directed commercials for (of all things) the Wisconsin Department of Tourism. OKAY, SURE. It’s a great decision, considering that to date the best Travel Wisconsin advertisement was just a lady with a bunch of leaves on her head. We’ll be sure to share the commercials when they’re available (because everybody loves seasonal Wisconsin footage), but until then, never forget:

I'm not a fan of Triple H using his new corporate b-hole character to bury midcard faces, but I'll make an exception for The Miz. I mean, Miz seemed to be making an exerted effort tonight to prove he deserves every bit of Triple H poop that lands in his mouth, so who am I to argue? The opening segment started with Miz interrupting Triple H and cutting a "Really?" peppered "angry" promo before Triple H cut him off to drop some truths. Truths like, "We gave you a fair one-and-one match against Randy Orton two weeks ago which you lost in spectacular fashion, and Monday's Miz TV segment was going fine until you insulted my wife apropos of nothing, so shut the f--k up." Watch Miz's face go from "mildly confident by Miz standards" to "Oh, s--t, oh God, why did I raise my hand? I want to sit down." during Hunter's evisceration. It's wonderful. Then Triple H finally lets Miz get a word in edgewise, and the best comeback he can summon is "I should have changed the W to a B, LOL" and Triple H, a man who tears Paul Heyman's shirt off and slaps his tits into oblivion every time he even mentions his children, can't even be assed to get upset. The Miz -- too insignificant to anger the most angry guy in WWE history.

The description at Bob’s Blitz reads, “David Zibung, goalkeeper for Swiss Super League soccer club FC Luzern, has his face mashed by Grasshopper Club Zürich winger Izet Hajrovic.” I’m not going to pretend I understand a word of that. Well, I understand “goalkeeper” and “super” and “face.” So I’ll rephrase it to you, the similarly uneducated in the ways of soccer, as “it is super gross when this goalkeeper gets stomped in the face.” Here’s some solid advice: if you are on a field with a bunch of guys wearing spikes on the bottom of their shoes, squared-off nubs they may be, try not to let those spikes get onto/into your face. This is what happens (warning – it’s pretty bloody):

This isn’t new news at all, but like most treasures of the Internet, it’s always new to someone. That said, back in 2011, professional surfer Bruce Irons decided to add a little flair to his routine as he actually attached flares to his surfboard so he looked like he was on fire and being chased by flames while he hit the waves. Earlier this month, the video found new life on Reddit and GIFs of Irons’ flare surfing have become a new hit, as has this video of him explaining to Red Bull where the idea came from. If anything, it seems like a great way to enjoy a rush and fend off testicle-biting fish.

While Mariano Rivera was busy being serenaded by Metallica and cheered and worshiped by millions of people in New York City on Sunday, Colorado Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was driving in four runs to help ease the sting of his team’s 13-9 loss to the San Diego Padres in a duel of two teams just padding stats. However, one Rockies fan helped ease the additional sting of another season with no playoffs hope by showing Helton a painting of him as a centaur. This makes that adorable kid who drew the picture of Starling Marte look like a real amateur. When I saw these pictures last night, I started wondering, “Why do I make fun of Alex Rodriguez for having two huge paintings of himself as a centaur in his home, but I look at this Helton painting and wish someone would make me a centaur?” Two reasons: 1) Alex Rodriguez commissioned his own paintings, which makes him an arrogant douchebag, while someone made this painting for Helton; 2) A-Rod is a massive arrogant douchebag while Helton is only a pretty big douchebag.

On Wednesday, Napoli’s Lorenzo Insigne (above) nailed a spectacular free kick to help lift his club to a 2-1 victory over Borussia Dortmund in a Champions League match at Stadio San Paolo in Naples, Italy. I’m no soccer expert by any means – and I’m not sure what most of the things I mentioned in that first sentence mean – but a lot of people were really excited about it and I’ll take that as a sign that it was a big win. What’s most interesting about the goal, though, is what happened immediately after the ball made it into the net. Making his debut for Dortmund was goalkeeper Mitchell Langarek, and he posted to Instagram yesterday that the goal was embarrassing for him on two counts: 1) It cost his team the game and 2) It cost him his two front teeth.