Sports

Who knew a guy called “The Dumpster” could have such a sad life? If you don’t remember him, Duke The Dumpster Droese was a wrestling garbage man who competed in the WWF between 1994-1996. He was a wrestler who was also a garbage man. That is literally everything you need to know about him. After his wrestling career became … uh, trash, The Dumpster (real name Mike Droese) tossed around on the independent circuit and eventually took a job as strength and conditioning coach for football at Tennessee’s Warren County High School. He parlayed that into a career as a special education teacher, and eventually parlayed THAT into a career selling drugs to undercover police officers. Something something, the dump. On July 1, according to the indictment, Droese sold oxycodone and buprenorphine. The next day, he again sold oxycodone. Droese was arrested Friday, Matheny said, but he left jail about two hours later after paying a $10,000 bond. Until Droese’s case plays out, he will be suspended from his job at Centertown without pay, Director of Warren County Schools Bobby Cox said. Droese, 45, did not return a call seeking comment on Wednesday. You can check out his mugshot here, and I gotta say, it’s not that much worse than when he was a wrestling garbage man. There’s almost no former occupation that makes you sadder and more prone to being arrested for things than “90s WWF star.” Many of them have died from drug-related issues (RIP Doink the Clown), and God, I wish there were enough miracle yoga programs to make all of them feel okay. If I wake up tomorrow and Irwin R. Sheister has been arrested for tax evasion so he could sell drugs to the Million Dollar Man’s rich kids, I’m calling it quits. Here’s an interesting quote from the Times Free Press, who interviewed a mark cop: “He used to be a wrestler, a very good wrestler,” the sheriff said. “He was in the WWE, and you can look him up on the Internet and watch all his matches. He wrestled with the best.” A few examples:

Way, way, way, WAY back in January of 2012, when Amanda Bynes was still just that girl we kind of remembered from movies, my UPROXXian friend from another front end, Dan Seitz, brought to our attention the fact that the classic Sega Genesis game Mutant League Football made an appearance in EA Sports’ NFL Blitz. That was it, though, just a simple mention of that old football game on the jerseys of some zombies that you could unlock by finishing the Blitz Gauntlet mode of the game. But now, the creator and lead designer of both Mutant League Football and Mutant League Hockey has launched a Kickstarter project to obtain the funds to bring his horror/pigskin hybrid back from the undead to once again be, um, undead. Michael Mendheim is currently putting together a team of designers to help bring us Mutant Football League, which will be a much bigger, grosser and generally more awesome version of the 1993 game. His reason: Over the last twenty years the press and fans of the original game (and the animated TV show) have kept the idea alive through online surveys, blogs, reviews and articles. Mutant League is always on the top 10 list of games people would like to see remade and for years fans and members of the gaming press have been asking me when the game will be resurrected. While it would have been terrific to work with some of the talented individuals that are still at EA, I must say that we’re looking forward to having full creative control over a NEW storyline, characters and environments so that players can enjoy the absurdly grotesque, tongue-through-cheek, **monster-and-mutant, gameplay experience that we want to make.

Anybody who listens to the FrotCast on a regular basis, and doesn’t ignore the one or two episodes that Vince allows me to be on each year, will know that we’ve been hip to the Ylvis scene for a while now. But a lot of people just showed up to the party earlier this month with the release of the Norwegian brothers’ latest video, “The Fox.” Regardless, there’s plenty of room on the bus for everyone, and the Ohio University marching band got in on the action last weekend with their own rendition of “The Fox.” More marching bands should aspire to be this awesome.

It took me five episodes to finally call Ryan Lochte’s E! reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, a dead fish, and that was being incredibly generous because I wanted to stop watching after five minutes of the first episode. And just as our traffic on my recaps trailed off as fast as the ratings on Lochte’s show, E! has followed in my footsteps and also canceled Lochte’s series. In fact, according to the HuffPo, WWRLD? debuted with 800,000 viewers (I’m guessing at least 30% were ironic) but recorded just 300,000 for the season finale. While E! reps claim that the network would love to work with Lochte again, let’s be serious. There’s no way this guy is getting back on TV unless it involves a swimming pool and the Summer Olympics, dancing with other pseudo-celebrities or starring as ABC’s The Bachelor. I’d also be all for a 30 Rock spin-off called Sex Idiot, but only if it has Tina Fey calling the shots, and I don’t think she’d be interested. So I thought maybe I could help my boy Ry-Lo out with some fresh, dope ideas that he and his manager/black friend can pitch to people in Hollywood.

I like Kate Upton plenty as a model, and I LOVE her as a Dougie enthusiast, but after watching this clip from last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon her flip cup game is what I respect most about her. She didn’t go to college so what you’re witnessing is sheer drink and flip ability, you see. The best news of all is now when we inevitably hang out for the first time I won’t have to awkwardly segue into drinking games as planned. “Nice dog. Say, do you know what rhymes with hip pup?”

’d argue that few things in the modern world are more hated than the perpetually emoting panda bear we call Drake and ESPN’s Sportscenter, which has sadly become something less about highlights and sports news and some more about “debate” and corporate “synergy,” or something. That said, Drake has a new album out today, as you may have heard, (along with a new video) and he appeared on Sportscenter this morning to promote it, which when you really stop and think about it is just perfect. What did Drake talk about and do on Sportscenter, you ask? Here’s a rundown… 1. How he and Johnny Football are BFFs. “I consider myself a positive reinforcement in his life…I think we’ll be friends for a long time,” said Drake.

The headline makes it sound like they sat down and went over a bunch of paperwork, but trust me, it involves them punching each other in the face. Recently, the NHL’s GMs and the Board of Governors created and approved a new rule that gives players a two-minute minor penalty for removing their helmet before a fight, leaving you with seven minutes in the box; five for fighting and two for unsportsmanlike conduct. They want to curb fighting in the league, and figured two hockey guys were gonna get mad at each other, skate up face to face, decide they don’t want to punch each others’ helmets and, I don’t know, shake on it? Brett Gallant of the New York Islanders and Krys Barch of the New Jersey Devils have almost instantaneously made that rule look dumb as dirt by removing one another’s helmets before throwing hands. Whoops!

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?” And I said, “No” because I’m just a huge Eastbound & Down fan; however, I’d gladly shill for just about anybody if they asked (especially you, Taco Bell and/or Jeep). Tomorrow night at 10 PM ET, Kenny Powers will make his magnificent return for the fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and it will be awesome because this show is simply awesome. But to make his return even more glorious than it already is, Kenny Powers (or Danny McBride to some sticklers) has recorded a series of messages to the fans of baseball's biggest cities, each one more ridiculous and outstanding than the next. So I went ahead and gathered several (or 10) of my favorites and paired them with my equally favorite Kenny Powers fashion statements from the first three seasons.

Did I lure you in with the sexy, racy title? Good. Because that’s not really what happened at all. Last night, the Minnesota Lynx took a 1-0 lead over the Phoenix Mercury in the WNBA Western Conference Finals, and Diana Taurasi led the way for Phoenix in the losing effort with 15 points. However, Taurasi lost her cool a little in the 4th period and shoved Seimone Augustus with her shoulder and the ref gave both women a technical foul. What he missed when T-ing them up, though, was Taurasi immediately showing that it was all in good fun by kissing her longtime rival on the cheek. But obviously, that’s not nearly as cool as suggesting that they kissed each other. The problem with all of it, though, is that the Internet is a horrible, vile place, filled with the lowest scum on the face of the planet, and you can only imagine the YouTube comments that have followed. (Or you can read some here so you don’t have to imagine.)

NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is not afraid to lean into pop culture. Whether he’s teaching Uncle Jesse how to play basketball on ‘Full House,’ playing golf with Uncle Phil on ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air,’ appearing on worthless, quickly-canceled sitcoms of the 2010s or simply jumping on the We Hate Lena Dunham bandwagon, Kareem will participate in your popular things and wallow. His most famous contribution to pop culture (you know, besides all the basketball) is still his turn as Roger Murdock, the airplane co-pilot who is also probably Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in the legendary 1980 comedy Airplane. Randomly, Abdul-Jabbar is now returning to that role in a series of Zucker Brothers/Jim Abrahams-directed commercials for (of all things) the Wisconsin Department of Tourism. OKAY, SURE. It’s a great decision, considering that to date the best Travel Wisconsin advertisement was just a lady with a bunch of leaves on her head. We’ll be sure to share the commercials when they’re available (because everybody loves seasonal Wisconsin footage), but until then, never forget:

I'm not a fan of Triple H using his new corporate b-hole character to bury midcard faces, but I'll make an exception for The Miz. I mean, Miz seemed to be making an exerted effort tonight to prove he deserves every bit of Triple H poop that lands in his mouth, so who am I to argue? The opening segment started with Miz interrupting Triple H and cutting a "Really?" peppered "angry" promo before Triple H cut him off to drop some truths. Truths like, "We gave you a fair one-and-one match against Randy Orton two weeks ago which you lost in spectacular fashion, and Monday's Miz TV segment was going fine until you insulted my wife apropos of nothing, so shut the f--k up." Watch Miz's face go from "mildly confident by Miz standards" to "Oh, s--t, oh God, why did I raise my hand? I want to sit down." during Hunter's evisceration. It's wonderful. Then Triple H finally lets Miz get a word in edgewise, and the best comeback he can summon is "I should have changed the W to a B, LOL" and Triple H, a man who tears Paul Heyman's shirt off and slaps his tits into oblivion every time he even mentions his children, can't even be assed to get upset. The Miz -- too insignificant to anger the most angry guy in WWE history.

The description at Bob’s Blitz reads, “David Zibung, goalkeeper for Swiss Super League soccer club FC Luzern, has his face mashed by Grasshopper Club Zürich winger Izet Hajrovic.” I’m not going to pretend I understand a word of that. Well, I understand “goalkeeper” and “super” and “face.” So I’ll rephrase it to you, the similarly uneducated in the ways of soccer, as “it is super gross when this goalkeeper gets stomped in the face.” Here’s some solid advice: if you are on a field with a bunch of guys wearing spikes on the bottom of their shoes, squared-off nubs they may be, try not to let those spikes get onto/into your face. This is what happens (warning – it’s pretty bloody):

This isn’t new news at all, but like most treasures of the Internet, it’s always new to someone. That said, back in 2011, professional surfer Bruce Irons decided to add a little flair to his routine as he actually attached flares to his surfboard so he looked like he was on fire and being chased by flames while he hit the waves. Earlier this month, the video found new life on Reddit and GIFs of Irons’ flare surfing have become a new hit, as has this video of him explaining to Red Bull where the idea came from. If anything, it seems like a great way to enjoy a rush and fend off testicle-biting fish.

The Tampa Bay Rays, like the Yankees, Orioles and Blue Jays, have been eliminated from contention in the American League East, because the Boston Red Sox steamrolled their way to the current 8-game lead and the division crown. But the Rays at least have their hopes set on a Wild Card berth and right now things are looking pretty good with a 1.5 game lead over the Texas Rangers, who have lost 7 of their last 10. But that still doesn’t mean Tampa can let up, which was evident in the Rays current three-game winning streak that has all but eliminated the Orioles from Wild Card contention. On Friday night, though, the Rays were locked in an 18-inning duel with the O’s and at some point the crazy train showed up to the station, as Luke Scott and Co. got a little crazy in the dugout.