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Jon Jones Will Apparently Fight Glover Teixeira Next
30 sep 2013 00:32

Like most of us, even UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones thought his title match with Alexander Gustaffson at UFC 165 last Saturday was so close that the only logical thing to do is plan an immediate rematch and give us another fight for the ages. But as he has been recovering from the incredible beating that Gustaffson gave him in a losing effort, Jones has had a chance to watch the fight a few more times and score it for himself. His result? Definitely 3-2, maybe even 4-1 in his favor. According to Ariel Helwani, that is apparently enough for Jones to overlook Gustafsson for a rematch and take on the next contender instead, and that would be Glover Teixeira, winner of five straight since making his UFC debut and 20 in a row since his last loss in 2005. “Bones” told FOX Sports 1′s “UFC Tonight” on Wednesday that he initially thought the most fair thing to do was grant Gustafsson an immediate rematch because the fight was so close, however, after watching the fight over ten times since Saturday night, he now believes that he decisively won rounds two, four and five. As a result, the champion now thinks “the most fair thing to do is grant the next deserving contender” a shot at the title, he said. (Via MMA Fighting) And UFC President Dana White confirmed yesterday that the fight is probably going to happen. “That’s what the champ wants,” White said. “We’ll probably have that fight on the Super Bowl card in New Jersey.” I have enough respect for Jones – which is tons and tons of respect, mind you – that I wouldn’t ever think that he was dodging Gustafsson or making excuses for why he almost lost to him (and did lose to him in a lot of people’s eyes). I also appreciate that he might want to give another contender a shot, especially if it’s Teixeira, who has been so much fun to watch fight and would probably be an even tougher challenge for Jones. But this has “dick move” written all over it. Teixeira could defeat Jones, which would warrant an immediate rematch and even end up leading to a third fight if the first two are good enough, and that would leave Gustafsson, the No. 1 contender, waiting almost two years for another title shot. Obviously, that’s the worst case scenario for the Swede, but the best case would still be at least another year.

Like most of us, even UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones thought his title match with Alexander Gustaffson at UFC 165 last Saturday was so close that the only logical thing to do is plan an...

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Dana White To Ken Shamrock: 'I'm Coming For The Money'
30 sep 2013 00:27

Earlier this week, former UFC champion and current Bellator fighter Tito Ortiz Tweeted to Ken Shamrock, Frank Shamrock, Randy Couture and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson that they should all crash the upcoming UFC 20th anniversary show, or UFC 167, taking place at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas on November 16. Frank and Randy both responded that they should do it, although I’m thinking the latter was far less serious than the former or even Ortiz, since he’s just trying to drum up some publicity for his fight at the debut Bellator PPV on Nov. 2. Since that Tweet, UFC President Dana White, who does not care for any of these men whatsoever, has addressed both the idea of the “super friends” invading UFC 167 and why it’s so funny that Ken Shamrock suddenly wants to have a confrontation with White and the UFC. Warning: These videos are not safe for little ears.

Earlier this week, former UFC champion and current Bellator fighter Tito Ortiz Tweeted to Ken Shamrock, Frank Shamrock, ...

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Robinson Cano Is Seeking A 10-Year Deal Worth At Least $305 Million
30 sep 2013 00:26

With the New York Yankees now eliminated from playoff contention for just the second time in the last 18 or so years, the sports media can finally focus on what really matters – how much money they’ll spend in the offseason. And if there’s time, we can possibly discuss the other losers that are still competing for a World Series title. But for now, the most important story in baseball is Robinson Cano and how much money he thinks he’s worth as a free agent. That number? $305 million over 10 years. Now, some people may argue that this is hilariously impossible, as most teams are looking to follow the new blueprint of spending less to develop farm talent, as opposed to handing out horrible contracts like the decade deal that was just given to Albert Pujols. But Cano is a lifetime .309 hitter who has never hit more than 33 home runs and has only 3 seasons with 100+ RBI, so I’m sure that a team is willing to give him $30 million per year. Wait, no. He’s sure. Because the only thing I’m sure about is that he’s insane.

With the New York Yankees now eliminated from playoff contention for just the second time in the last 18 or so years, ...

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Texas A&M Punter Drew Kaser Is Gonna 'Drop Bombs' This Weekend
30 sep 2013 00:25

Texas A&M football punter Drew Kaser’s Twitter bio currently features the hashtags #1shot1kill and #shakeandbake, so if somebody came up to you and said “what do you think Texas A&M punter Drew Kaser is doing this weekend,” you could probably piece it together. It would involve red Solo cups, hunting rifles and not updating your favorite movie quotes in 10 years. Regardless, a local newspaper asked Drew what his plans were for the Aggies’ first away game weekend, and his response was suitably #shakeandbake: he plans to drop bombs.

Texas A&M football punter Drew Kaser’s Twitter bio currently features the hashtags #1shot1kill and #shakeandbake, ...

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Mariano Rivera's Final Exit Brought Out All The Goose Bumps
30 sep 2013 00:16

The New York Yankees may not have made the playoffs, but they did wind up with one of the biggest stories of the year in the farewell tour of their longtime closer and one of Major League Baseball’s true gentleman superstars, Mariano Rivera. It all came to a head last night with the Tampa Bay Rays, still in the thick of the American League’s Wild Card race, defeating the Yankees, but nobody cares about the score, because it was Rivera’s last pitching appearance in Yankee Stadium. Presumably ever, unless Joe Girardi pulls off the miracle of all miracles and figures out a way to help Mo return all of the gifts he received from other teams. All obvious hero worship aside, I’m really waiting for a national columnist to step forward with the “Mariano Rivera wasn’t as good as everyone is pretending” troll piece

The New York Yankees may not have made the playoffs, but they did wind up with one of the biggest stories of the year in the farewell tour of their longtime closer and one of Major League...

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. Won A Lot Of Money Gambling Today
30 sep 2013 00:12

When all is said and done on December 31 and 2013 comes to a close, boxing champion, phenom and legend Floyd Mayweather Jr. will have made more than $100 million on his fights alone. Oh, and that’s for two fights. Mayweather made $45 million per fight for his May 4 victory over Robert Guerrero and his fight against Canelo Alvarez earlier this month, also a win. And word on the streets is that Mayweather hasn’t even received his back end cash for that second fight, so he could be looking at a cool 9 figures for two nights of work. Then there’s also his gambling winnings, as the man with more money than most small countries has a penchant for sports wagers, and he also loves to brag about his winnings to us lowly poor bastards. Take today, for example, as Mayweather Tweeted a picture of his early winnings as he waits to see how much additional money he’ll make off of Johnny Manziel.

When all is said and done on December 31 and 2013 comes to a close, boxing champion, phenom and legend Floyd Mayweather Jr. will have made more than $100 million on his fights alone.

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USC To Lane Kiffin: 'Don't Let It Hit Ya Where The Good Lord Split Ya'
30 sep 2013 00:11

As head coach of the USC Trojans football program, Lane Kiffin compiled a 28-15 record over the last three seasons and through the first five games of this season, and that’s not very good when you’re reportedly recruiting the nation’s best classes each year. In those three years, only one season yielded a conference division title. Not a conference title, just a conference division. And if all of that wasn’t unimpressive enough, Kiffin’s only bowl appearance with the Trojans was a 21-7 loss to Georgia Tech in the 2012 Sun Bowl. But breaking down Kiffin’s coaching record at any level is low-hanging fruit, and the only news that matters today is that after the Trojans were humiliated in a 62-41 loss to Arizona State last night, Kiffin was fired this morning by USC athletic director Pat Haden. Start praying, Jacksonville Jaguars fans. Haden said in a statement that USC would hold a press conference at an unknown time later today, but the Los Angeles Times reported that this firing is over so much more than just one horrible, awful, ridiculous loss. The timing also has recruiting ramifications because some top prospects in Southern California reportedly voiced concern about Kiffin’s status. Haden’s action comes eight months after Kiffin’s father, Monte, resigned as defensive coordinator, and three months after Lane Kiffin announced that he would not give up play-calling duties. Kiffin has long been touted for his ability to recruit the nation’s top prospects, but any accolades or praise that he has earned for his actual coaching abilities has either been incredibly misguided and unwarranted or merely the result of his father’s success in the NFL for so many years. While it is unknown who will replace Kiffin at USC for the long haul, we can be sure that Kiffin won’t be unemployed for too long, as his so-called “high football IQ” will almost always convince an NFL GM with no football IQ that he’s worthy of a huge paycheck and an endless supply of second chances.

As head coach of the USC Trojans football program, Lane Kiffin compiled a 28-15 record over the last three seasons and through the first five games of this season, ...

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Wrestling Garbage Man Becomes Drug Dealing Special Ed Teacher
28 sep 2013 18:00

Who knew a guy called “The Dumpster” could have such a sad life? If you don’t remember him, Duke The Dumpster Droese was a wrestling garbage man who competed in the WWF between 1994-1996. He was a wrestler who was also a garbage man. That is literally everything you need to know about him. After his wrestling career became … uh, trash, The Dumpster (real name Mike Droese) tossed around on the independent circuit and eventually took a job as strength and conditioning coach for football at Tennessee’s Warren County High School. He parlayed that into a career as a special education teacher, and eventually parlayed THAT into a career selling drugs to undercover police officers. Something something, the dump. On July 1, according to the indictment, Droese sold oxycodone and buprenorphine. The next day, he again sold oxycodone. Droese was arrested Friday, Matheny said, but he left jail about two hours later after paying a $10,000 bond. Until Droese’s case plays out, he will be suspended from his job at Centertown without pay, Director of Warren County Schools Bobby Cox said. Droese, 45, did not return a call seeking comment on Wednesday. You can check out his mugshot here, and I gotta say, it’s not that much worse than when he was a wrestling garbage man. There’s almost no former occupation that makes you sadder and more prone to being arrested for things than “90s WWF star.” Many of them have died from drug-related issues (RIP Doink the Clown), and God, I wish there were enough miracle yoga programs to make all of them feel okay. If I wake up tomorrow and Irwin R. Sheister has been arrested for tax evasion so he could sell drugs to the Million Dollar Man’s rich kids, I’m calling it quits. Here’s an interesting quote from the Times Free Press, who interviewed a mark cop: “He used to be a wrestler, a very good wrestler,” the sheriff said. “He was in the WWE, and you can look him up on the Internet and watch all his matches. He wrestled with the best.” A few examples:

Who knew a guy called “The Dumpster” could have such a sad life? If you don’t remember him, ...

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The Original Creator Of Mutant League Football Launched A Kickstarter
28 sep 2013 17:00

Way, way, way, WAY back in January of 2012, when Amanda Bynes was still just that girl we kind of remembered from movies, my UPROXXian friend from another front end, Dan Seitz, brought to our attention the fact that the classic Sega Genesis game Mutant League Football made an appearance in EA Sports’ NFL Blitz. That was it, though, just a simple mention of that old football game on the jerseys of some zombies that you could unlock by finishing the Blitz Gauntlet mode of the game. But now, the creator and lead designer of both Mutant League Football and Mutant League Hockey has launched a Kickstarter project to obtain the funds to bring his horror/pigskin hybrid back from the undead to once again be, um, undead. Michael Mendheim is currently putting together a team of designers to help bring us Mutant Football League, which will be a much bigger, grosser and generally more awesome version of the 1993 game. His reason: Over the last twenty years the press and fans of the original game (and the animated TV show) have kept the idea alive through online surveys, blogs, reviews and articles. Mutant League is always on the top 10 list of games people would like to see remade and for years fans and members of the gaming press have been asking me when the game will be resurrected. While it would have been terrific to work with some of the talented individuals that are still at EA, I must say that we’re looking forward to having full creative control over a NEW storyline, characters and environments so that players can enjoy the absurdly grotesque, tongue-through-cheek, **monster-and-mutant, gameplay experience that we want to make.

Way, way, way, WAY back in January of 2012, when Amanda Bynes was still just that girl we kind of remembered from movies, my UPROXXian friend from another front end, Dan Seitz, ...

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Watch This: Ohio University's Rendition Of Ylvis' 'The Fox' Is Good
28 sep 2013 17:00

Anybody who listens to the FrotCast on a regular basis, and doesn’t ignore the one or two episodes that Vince allows me to be on each year, will know that we’ve been hip to the Ylvis scene for a while now. But a lot of people just showed up to the party earlier this month with the release of the Norwegian brothers’ latest video, “The Fox.” Regardless, there’s plenty of room on the bus for everyone, and the Ohio University marching band got in on the action last weekend with their own rendition of “The Fox.” More marching bands should aspire to be this awesome.

Anybody who listens to the FrotCast on a regular basis, and doesn’t ignore the one or two episodes that Vince allows me to be on each year, ...

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Ryan Lochte's Awful Reality Series Was Finally Canceled By E!
28 sep 2013 11:00

It took me five episodes to finally call Ryan Lochte’s E! reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, a dead fish, and that was being incredibly generous because I wanted to stop watching after five minutes of the first episode. And just as our traffic on my recaps trailed off as fast as the ratings on Lochte’s show, E! has followed in my footsteps and also canceled Lochte’s series. In fact, according to the HuffPo, WWRLD? debuted with 800,000 viewers (I’m guessing at least 30% were ironic) but recorded just 300,000 for the season finale. While E! reps claim that the network would love to work with Lochte again, let’s be serious. There’s no way this guy is getting back on TV unless it involves a swimming pool and the Summer Olympics, dancing with other pseudo-celebrities or starring as ABC’s The Bachelor. I’d also be all for a 30 Rock spin-off called Sex Idiot, but only if it has Tina Fey calling the shots, and I don’t think she’d be interested. So I thought maybe I could help my boy Ry-Lo out with some fresh, dope ideas that he and his manager/black friend can pitch to people in Hollywood.

It took me five episodes to finally call Ryan Lochte’s E! reality series, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

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DC Comics And David Goyer Conjure A John Constantine TV Show
27 sep 2013 21:12

DC Comics has announced their third TV series this season (Gotham Central and The Flash being the other ones). Deadline reports NBC has picked up a Warner/DC adaptation of Constantine, based on the cynical British con-man and magician turned supernatural detective John Constantine, not to be confused with the Keanu Reeves portrayed by Keanu Reeves in 2005′s Constantine. The show will be written and produced by David Goyer (co-writer of Man Of Steel and Nolan’s Batman trilogy) and Daniel Cerone (producer of The Mentalist). As far as we know, the movie version of the character instrumental to Guillermo Del Toro’s Dark Universe is still in development. Constantine‘s contract stipulates there will be a penalty for NBC if they don’t air the show. John Constantine knows what a shaft those contracts with penalties are.

DC Comics has announced their third TV series this season (Gotham Central and The Flash being the other ones).

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The Big Dog Is About To Get Quieter And Bulletproof
27 sep 2013 21:05

Boston Dynamics continues to “improve” its Big Dog robot. Not content with giving it an arm for a head that can throw cinder blocks, the Pentagon has asked for the Big Dog to be more quiet. Also bulletproof. OH GOODY. The LS3 Support System, better known to robophiles (as in people who like robots, not our own admittedly highly loveable Robopanda) as “Big Dog”, just got an extra ten million in funding from DARPA. Why? Within the general scope of work of Phase 2, the modification adds additional tasks to the contract for the development of an enhanced version of the LS3 system with increased reliability and usability, enhanced survivability against small arms fire and a quiet power supply to support stealthy tactical operations. Just to review, Big Dog can already do this:

Boston Dynamics continues to “improve” its Big Dog robot. Not content with giving it an arm for a head that can throw cinder blocks, ...

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'Breaking Bad' Letter To The Editor
27 sep 2013 21:05

You know, I didn’t agree with what Gordon Drennan from Burton was saying about Breaking Bad, until he got to the point about Jesse being Walt’s “best student.” Now I’m on board. We’re being corrupted, and only Gordon Drennan from Burton, who wrote a letter to his local newspaper to morally complain about the show’s Outstanding Drama Series Emmy win, has the balls to call us out, as a society. Ah, I remember when times were simpler.

You know, I didn’t agree with what Gordon Drennan from Burton was saying about Breaking Bad, until he got to the point about Jesse being Walt’s “best student.” Now I’m on board.

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Jody Steel's Pop Culture Thigh Art
27 sep 2013 20:49

Artist, aspiring filmmaker, and current Emerson College student Jody Steel has been generating buzz online lately with the pop culture portraits she doodles during class. Her subjects include fictional characters like Breaking Bad's Walter White and Game of Thrones' Daenerys Targaryen, and artists like musician Thom Yorke and author Neil Gaiman. Also, she draws the portraits on her right thigh. Since she began uploading pictures of the drawings to the Internet earlier this month, she's received notoriety both online and offline -- and zero pushback from her professors. One of them was so impressed by the work that she gave Steel a job illustrating the book she was writing. Click through to see some of her most interesting pop culture portraits. You can also check out the full scope of Steel's work -- which includes more thigh drawings of everything from animals to open wounds, in addition to pieces drawn on more traditional canvases -- on her website and Facebook page.

Artist, aspiring filmmaker, and current Emerson College student Jody Steel has been generating buzz online lately with the pop culture portraits she doodles during class.

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Guillermo Del Toro Is Working On The Next Simpsons Treehouse Of Horror
27 sep 2013 20:47

Yup, like the headline says, the next Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode will feature an opening created by the director of Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy and Pacific Rim. I guess it makes sense — The Simpsons doesn’t seem terribly concerned with being funny anymore, so why not go the other direction and hire guys like Guillermo Del Toro to make their Halloween episode legitimately scary? Hit the jump for some more details… According to The Hollywood Reporter, Del Toro’s opening will “feature monsters and classic characters from horror films of the past several decades.” Hmmm! Well, that certainly sounds Del Toro-esque. The rest of the episode will of course do the usual three short stories thing. The first “sees Homer Simpson traveling around Springfield wreaking havoc in a rhyming take on a popular children’s story” (no thanks), the second begins when “Bart is beheaded during a kite accident, and…” (I’ve heard enough) and the third is a parody of the 1932 film Freaks starring Moe and Mr. Burns, which actually sounds like not a terrible idea. The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror XXIV airs on October 6th, and I’ll be watching, because I barely remember a time in my life when they weren’t making new Simpsons episodes, and I don’t know what I’d do if they stopped. Probably feel very old and sad.

Yup, like the headline says, the next Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode will feature an opening created by the director of Pan’s Labyrinth, Hellboy and Pacific Rim.

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Andy Samberg Tells Conan About Adam Sandler Attending His Wedding
27 sep 2013 20:43

I would never subject myself to sitting through ninety minutes of a 21st century Happy Madison production but despite never seeing the film I feel plenty confident in stating that Andy Samberg telling Conan O’Brien the story of how Adam Sandler showed up to his rehearsal dinner in character from That’s My Boy and screaming things like, “Oh, am I f*cking embarrassing you, buddy?” is infinitely better than anything else that has ever had to do with that movie. I mean, sure, Adam Sandler is essentially putting a hex on the marriage from the very start, but I still enjoy the idea of Sandler not taking himself seriously in mixed company and going all in on the bit. That part starts around halfway through above, after Samberg recounts the joys of losing his virginity — HAD SEX-style — on his wedding night. And below are some action-comedy acting tips for all you newly found Brooklyn Nine Nine fans.

I would never subject myself to sitting through ninety minutes of a 21st century Happy Madison production but despite never seeing the film I feel plenty confident in stating that Andy Samberg...

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Watch Vince Gilligan Announce His First Post-'Breaking Bad' Project
27 sep 2013 20:39

One of the most talked-about subjects in the entertainment world is what Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan will do now that he’s done running arguably the greatest show ever. We know he’ll have a hand in the Saul Goodman spinoff, and yesterday news leaked that CBS has picked up a drama script he originally wrote — and they originally rejected — back in 2002. But neither of those projects are what’s next in line for Gilligan. As he revealed in an exclusive on Conan, his next move actually has nothing to do with the entertainment industry — it’s far more ambitious. The man is no longer just in the TV or movie business. He’s very clearly in the empire business.

One of the most talked-about subjects in the entertainment world is what Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan will do now that he’s done running arguably the greatest show ever.

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The NSA Hires Way Too Many Creepy Stalkers
27 sep 2013 20:38

Part of the reason any reasonable person should be skeptical of the NSA’s claim that most Americans are safe from its prying eyes is the fact that the only check is that they needed “51% confidence” the person they were spying on was a foreign national. And unsurprisingly, that power has been abused. Senator Chuck Grassley essentially asked the NSA to fork over any instances of “willful abuse”, and the NSA voluntarily coughed up the twelve cases that have come up since 2003. And unfortunately, it’s ugly: Out of the twelve incidents, five involved invading the privacy of American citizens who had nothing to do with the mission. Worse, almost all of the incidents essentially involve some form of stalking. One guy in particular stands out, claiming he was only looking at his ex-girlfriend’s emails and phone calls to “test” the system. Another analyst tried to pretend she was looking up her boyfriend’s friends because she didn’t want to get involved with “shady characters.” And one incident had an analyst doing this to his girlfriends for five years. All of this violates the human rights and privacy of those involved, and it doesn’t appear that anybody involved in these incidents spent a day in jail for that; most of these people were allowed to resign before the Department of Justice could take disciplinary action. Worse, a lot of this is borderline stalking behavior, or outright stalking, and that was prosecuted either. Realistically, this is also only what the NSA has caught. Abuse could be endemic, or really could be limited to a few bad eggs. But since the NSA has no accountability to, you know, the people who bought them all these fancy toys, we’re probably never going to know.

Part of the reason any reasonable person should be skeptical of the NSA’s claim that most Americans are safe from its prying eyes is the fact that the only check is that they needed “51%...

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Watch Jimmy Kimmel Address Kanye West's Twitter Rant In His Monologue
27 sep 2013 20:37

As the entire internet is aware by now, Kanye West unleashed a Twitter character assault on Jimmy Kimmel yesterday in response to a Kanye “Kid Re-Kreation” parody Kimmel aired earlier in the week. Kimmel playfully acknowledged Kanye’s series of nonsensical 140 characters or less on Twitter not long after yesterday, but waited until his monologue (or maybe the monologue was taped before his tweets?) to full-on address the whole thing. And by “address the whole thing” I mean detail to his audience ever weird aspect of his earlier phone conversation with Kanye and then go through Kanye’s tweets one by one to subtly undermine them. The “good p**sy” tweet was practically begging for it…

As the entire internet is aware by now, Kanye West unleashed a Twitter character assault on Jimmy Kimmel yesterday in response to a Kanye “Kid Re-Kreation” parody Kimmel aired earlier in the week.

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Apple May Be Making A Gold iPad Mini
27 sep 2013 20:36

This news is less than surprising, given our apparently bottomless lack of taste as a species; a gold iPad Mini might be on the way as part of the Mini refresh. And it’ll also have the amusingly useless nipple scanner…errr…Touch ID because why the hell not? The rumor comes courtesy a Chinese site called DoNews, which has a spotty track record when it comes to this stuff, but it’s not like they’re telling us something a large corporation that likes money wouldn’t do. And honestly, it makes sense. Apple likes its mobile devices to look fairly similar to each other. The iPad and the iPhone have generally mirrored one another in design, and the Mini followed the trend; as wrong as all the old jokes about an iPad being four iPhones duct-taped together turned out to be, both are unmistakably Apple products that are part of the same line. And the iPad Mini is staggeringly popular, to the point where it’s outselling the iPad. So, considering how quickly the gold iPhone sold out, to some degree it only makes financial sense to give the people what they want and sell a matching Mini. All that said, it does so far appear that the iPad line, at least, will be spared the indignity of becoming a prop for insecure people to try and tell you how wealthy they are, but since those people will just have the thing gold-plated anyway, we guess in the end it’s a wash.

This news is less than surprising, given our apparently bottomless lack of taste as a species; a gold iPad Mini might be on the way as part of the Mini refresh.

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An Oklahoma Boy Asked The News For Help To Push His Brother In A 5K
27 sep 2013 20:36

There are a lot of sporting events happening tonight — the Cleveland Indians and Texas Rangers battling for the final wild card spot in the American League, for example — but nothing is as important as a 5K race happening at Oklahoma City’s John Marshall Mid-High School, run by a 10-year old boy and his brother. Tobias Bass, 10, reached out to OK’s News 9 not for money, fame or a hand-out, but because he wanted them to ask their viewers if anybody had a jogger pusher he could borrow … because he wants his big brother, suffering from Cerebral Palsy, to run the race with him. He told the news about how sad it makes him when he sees his brother staring out through the window at kids running and laughing and having fun, and how he just wants him to experience what everyone else can. This kid is amazing and you can see every piece of his heart in the News 9 interview — hell, he wants to be an army pastor when he grows up so he can comfort men dying on the front lines — and I, like the news team and everyone else who hears his story, want him to have everything he needs. Check it out:

There are a lot of sporting events happening tonight — the Cleveland Indians and Texas Rangers battling for the final wild card spot in the American League, ...

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11 Hilarious Office Pranks To Play On Your Coworkers
27 sep 2013 20:29

After a long workweek dealing with the same people, things can get tense around the office. So once Friday rolls around, a lot of us need to let loose and get a little weird, AKA prank our coworkers. These jokes range from basically innocent to probably grounds for termination, but it’s all in good fun! (No seriously, though, we recommend you err on the side of not getting fired.) Are you up for the challenge? Check out 11 pranks you can play on your coworkers, but beware — there’s some NSFW language involved.

After a long workweek dealing with the same people, things can get tense around the office. So once Friday rolls around, a lot of us need to let loose and get a little weird, AKA prank our coworkers.

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GoPro Video of Fireman Rescuing Kitten WILL Make You Cry
27 sep 2013 20:29

If you’re looking for a catalyst to provide you with a nice, end-of-workweek tear-fest, look no further than this video of a fireman rescuing a kitten. Seriously. You will cry. If you don’t cry, please share your stony ways with us, because we embarrassed ourselves in the office watching this video. In fact, we have to stop writing about it right this minute, or we’re probably going to start up again. Enjoy!

If you’re looking for a catalyst to provide you with a nice, end-of-workweek tear-fest, look no further than this video of a fireman rescuing a kitten. Seriously. You will cry.

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Watch Supermodel Kate Upton Own Jimmy Fallon At Flip Cup
27 sep 2013 20:00

I like Kate Upton plenty as a model, and I LOVE her as a Dougie enthusiast, but after watching this clip from last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon her flip cup game is what I respect most about her. She didn’t go to college so what you’re witnessing is sheer drink and flip ability, you see. The best news of all is now when we inevitably hang out for the first time I won’t have to awkwardly segue into drinking games as planned. “Nice dog. Say, do you know what rhymes with hip pup?”

I like Kate Upton plenty as a model, and I LOVE her as a Dougie enthusiast, but after watching this clip from last night’ ...

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Drake Went On 'Sportscenter' To Discuss His Johnny Football Bromance
27 sep 2013 17:00

’d argue that few things in the modern world are more hated than the perpetually emoting panda bear we call Drake and ESPN’s Sportscenter, which has sadly become something less about highlights and sports news and some more about “debate” and corporate “synergy,” or something. That said, Drake has a new album out today, as you may have heard, (along with a new video) and he appeared on Sportscenter this morning to promote it, which when you really stop and think about it is just perfect. What did Drake talk about and do on Sportscenter, you ask? Here’s a rundown… 1. How he and Johnny Football are BFFs. “I consider myself a positive reinforcement in his life…I think we’ll be friends for a long time,” said Drake.

’d argue that few things in the modern world are more hated than the perpetually emoting panda bear we call Drake and ESPN’s Sportscenter, ...

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Brett Gallant And Krys Barch Found A Loophole In The NHL Helmet Rule
26 sep 2013 15:00

The headline makes it sound like they sat down and went over a bunch of paperwork, but trust me, it involves them punching each other in the face. Recently, the NHL’s GMs and the Board of Governors created and approved a new rule that gives players a two-minute minor penalty for removing their helmet before a fight, leaving you with seven minutes in the box; five for fighting and two for unsportsmanlike conduct. They want to curb fighting in the league, and figured two hockey guys were gonna get mad at each other, skate up face to face, decide they don’t want to punch each others’ helmets and, I don’t know, shake on it? Brett Gallant of the New York Islanders and Krys Barch of the New Jersey Devils have almost instantaneously made that rule look dumb as dirt by removing one another’s helmets before throwing hands. Whoops!

The headline makes it sound like they sat down and went over a bunch of paperwork, but trust me, it involves them punching each other in the face.

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Kenny Powers Has A Message For All Of You Baseball Fans
26 sep 2013 04:00

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?” And I said, “No” because I’m just a huge Eastbound & Down fan; however, I’d gladly shill for just about anybody if they asked (especially you, Taco Bell and/or Jeep). Tomorrow night at 10 PM ET, Kenny Powers will make his magnificent return for the fourth and final season of Eastbound & Down, and it will be awesome because this show is simply awesome. But to make his return even more glorious than it already is, Kenny Powers (or Danny McBride to some sticklers) has recorded a series of messages to the fans of baseball's biggest cities, each one more ridiculous and outstanding than the next. So I went ahead and gathered several (or 10) of my favorites and paired them with my equally favorite Kenny Powers fashion statements from the first three seasons.

The other day, my good friend (we’ll call him Ted Notarealperson) asked me, “Hey Burnsy, what’s with all the Eastbound & Down posts? Are you shilling for HBO or something?

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Diana Taurasi, Seimone Augustus Received Double Technical For Kissing
25 sep 2013 20:00

Did I lure you in with the sexy, racy title? Good. Because that’s not really what happened at all. Last night, the Minnesota Lynx took a 1-0 lead over the Phoenix Mercury in the WNBA Western Conference Finals, and Diana Taurasi led the way for Phoenix in the losing effort with 15 points. However, Taurasi lost her cool a little in the 4th period and shoved Seimone Augustus with her shoulder and the ref gave both women a technical foul. What he missed when T-ing them up, though, was Taurasi immediately showing that it was all in good fun by kissing her longtime rival on the cheek. But obviously, that’s not nearly as cool as suggesting that they kissed each other. The problem with all of it, though, is that the Internet is a horrible, vile place, filled with the lowest scum on the face of the planet, and you can only imagine the YouTube comments that have followed. (Or you can read some here so you don’t have to imagine.)

Did I lure you in with the sexy, racy title? Good. Because that’s not really what happened at all.

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Cher Lloyd + T.I. Serve It Up in 'I Wish' Video
25 sep 2013 16:41

Cher Lloyd plays a hapless waitress without a butt and a rack in her video for ‘I Wish’ — and she has her sights set squarely on rapper T.I. The singer undergoes a bit of a transformation, courtesy of stuffing her bra and a swipe of glittery gold eye shadow across her lids. But regardless, she still catches his eye, angering the tall, hot, model-like babes with which he entered her place of employ! It’s a playful, fun and flirty look at the British singer, who is clearly having a good time cozying up to the rapper. They end up exuding a brotherly-sisterly chemistry by the end of the video.

Cher Lloyd plays a hapless waitress without a butt and a rack in her video for ‘I Wish’ — and she has her sights set squarely on rapper T.I.

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'Need for Speed' Trailer: Aaron Paul Goes All 'Fast and Furious'
25 sep 2013 16:28

From “Blue Sky” to blue collar, ‘Breaking Bad‘ breakout Aaron Paul headlines the first ‘Need for Speed‘ trailer, giving the ‘Fast and Furious‘ franchise a run for its box office money. ‘Need for Speed,’ based on the popular car-racing video game, sees Paul trade in Jesse Pinkman for blue-collar mechanic Tobey Marshall. Per the official synopsis: Framed for a crime he didn’t commit, muscle car mechanic and street racer Tobey gets out of prison determined to settle the score with the man responsible for his false conviction. Tobey tears up the road in a gritty cross-country journey— one that begins as a mission for revenge, but proves to be one of redemption. Dominic Cooper (‘Dead Man Down‘) plays the man responsible for his imprisonment, a wealthy ex-NASCAR driver named Dino Brewster. Tobey partnered up with him as a means to save his failing garage, but the relationship went sour after an unsanctioned car race turned disastrous. No matter how you feel about seeing this video game brought to the big screen, ‘Fast and Furious’ has proven there’s an audience for this by becoming one of Universal Pictures’ more profitable brands, and now DreamWorks seems hellbent on tagging into this market. Plus, it already has Paul’s ‘Breaking Bad’ fanbase clamoring for tickets. ‘Need for Speed’ also stars Ramon Rodriguez, Rami Malek, Imogen Poots, Dakota Johnson and Scott “Kid Cudi” Mescudi, and is set for release in spring of 2014.

From “Blue Sky” to blue collar, ‘Breaking Bad‘ breakout Aaron Paul headlines the first ‘Need for Speed‘ trailer, giving the ‘Fast and Furious‘ franchise a run for its box office money.

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'Star Wars Rebels' Eyes Freddie Prinze Jr. and More
25 sep 2013 16:26

It’s become increasingly difficult to separate truth from rumor in the ongoing revamp of the ‘Star Wars‘ franchise, as every day seems to bring new reports of leading actors or fan-favorite characters slated to join the new film trilogy. If nothing else, however, confirmed animated series ‘Star Wars Rebels‘ has made new strides in shoring up a voice cast, from the likes of Freddie Prinze Jr. and ‘The Butler’ star David Oyelowo, himself previously rumored for a role in the films. The Hollywood Reporter broke news of the casting negotiations, adding to the list of Oyelowo and Prinze that Vanessa Marshall, Taylor Gray and Steven Jay Blum have also been contacted for leading roles in the series set to debut in late 2014. Oyelowo (‘Lincoln,’ ‘Interstellar’) had recently been rumored for a filmic ‘Star Wars’ role, though his potential placement among the ‘Star Wars Rebels’ cast wouldn’t necessarily preclude the possibility, either. So far, we know that ‘Star Wars Rebels’ will take place “in a time where the Empire is securing its grip on the galaxy and hunting down the last of the Jedi Knights as a fledgling rebellion against the Empire is taking shape,” while concept art of a new Millenium Falcon-esque starship serving as a central location has made its way online. Picking up where the now-canceled ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars‘ left off, ‘Star Wars Rebels’ will feature on the creative side screenwriter and producer Simon Kinberg (‘X-Men: First Class,’ ‘Elysium‘), who’s writing the first episode, as well as ‘Clone Wars’ supervising director Dave Filoni and ‘Young Justice’ producer Greg Weisman. What do you think? Are you interested to see what ‘Star Wars Rebels’ brings to the canon next year before ‘Episode 7′ debuts in 2015? Who would you like to see populate the cast of ‘Star Wars Rebels’? Check out the original announcement below, and hit us with your ideas in the comments!

It’s become increasingly difficult to separate truth from rumor in the ongoing revamp of the ‘Star Wars‘ franchise, ...

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Pearl Jam Unveil Performance-Based 'Sirens' Video
25 sep 2013 16:20

Pearl Jam are keeping it simple for the second video to emerge from their ‘Lightning Bolt’ album. The guys have just unveiled the new clip for ‘Sirens’ and it’s strictly a performance piece. But as with most Pearl Jam performances, there’s little ordinary about it. The veteran rockers hit their stride on this mid-tempo track, which showcases not only Eddie Vedder‘s vocal work, but also some impressive backing vocals from drummer Matt Cameron. Shot mostly in a dark room lit with the occasional white and red lighting, the video takes the viewer right into the crux of the performance with the band. In addition, to Vedder and Cameron, there’s also a spotlight for guitarist Mike McCready who busts out a second guitar midway into the clip to bring some electric licks to the track. Overall, ‘Sirens’ is a pretty straightforward video, but if anything this promo should show fans that the band has a solid new song to perform live once they hit the road this fall. You can count ‘Sirens’ among the standout new tracks that will make up ‘Lightning Bolt.’ The disc drops Oct. 15.

Pearl Jam are keeping it simple for the second video to emerge from their ‘Lightning Bolt’ album. The guys have just unveiled the new clip for ‘Sirens’ and it’s strictly a performance piece.

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Huntress, Behind the Scenes of 'Zenith' - Exclusive Premiere + Contest
25 sep 2013 16:18

There’s no doubt that Huntress have one of the coolest videos of the year in ‘Zenith,’ as the Phil Mucci-directed clip that comes off like a black light poster come to life. Loudwire is teaming with Huntress to delve a little further into this creative clip by exclusively premiering a behind-the-scenes featurette from the video shoot. As we see in this clip, much of the band’s performance was shot against a green screen, allowing Mucci to work his mastery after the fact. Jill Janus also offers a little insight on the song, revealing that it’s about smoking weed with aliens and seeing just how high you can go. As you can see, a lot of work went into making the video and the band is beyond pleased with the result. Janus also uses the platform to praise the fans for all of their support and dedicates the clip to them. After watching the ‘Zenith’ behind the scenes featurette above, check the bottom of this post to see what the final video looks like. It’s a pretty impressive promo for a band on the rise. And speaking of being on the rise, look for Huntress pounding the pavement this fall, earning a spot on the Lamb of God / Killswitch Engage co-headlining run, which also features support from Testament. Dates for the trek can be found here. Finally, Huntress are also teaming up with Loudwire to bring their faithful fans an opportunity to win an awesome Huntress prize package (pictured at left above). It includes an autographed version of the band’s latest CD, ‘Starbound Beast,’ which features the single ‘Zenith.’ But that’s not all. You also get a Huntress t-shirt, a signed poster and a Huntress patch. All you have to do for a chance to get your hands on this Huntress prize package is click below to retweet the announcement of this contest to be entered to win this very special prize package. The contest ends Monday, Oct. 7 at 11:59PM ET.

There’s no doubt that Huntress have one of the coolest videos of the year in ‘Zenith,’ as the Phil Mucci-directed clip that comes off like a black light poster come to life.

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Black Sabbath's '13 3D' Maze: Walk-Through Video + Exclusive Photos
25 sep 2013 16:15

Black Sabbath are no strangers to the macabre and the darker side of life but the band is taking it to a whole new level with their brand new ‘Black Sabbath: 13 3D’ maze. Having made its debut on Friday, Sept. 20 at the premiere of Universal Studios Hollywood’s Halloween Horror Nights event, the attraction pulls dark themes from the legendary band’s latest disc ’13′ and brings them to a whole new level of dastardly delights. Fans who can’t make it to California to check out the metal masterpiece can watch the five-minute walk-through above to get a feel for what the attraction has to offer. Based on the music of Sabbath’s ‘13’ the maze takes fans through a ghoulish landscape of doom and gloom covering graveyards, battlefields and madhouses – just to name a few. On the night that the maze opened, Black Sabbath’s Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler were on hand to accept their very own Eyegore awards. Eyegore awards recognize achievements in horror and sci-fi making the band a perfect match. Ozzy’s wife Sharon was there to introduce her husband, sharing, “the quintessential black magic of Black Sabbath comes together on ’13′ to create their most powerful, brilliantly disturbing album yet.” So whether you’re a Sabbath fan or just a fan of the horror genre, the ‘Black Sabbath:” 13:3D’ maze is sure to be a hair-raising, crowd-pleaser with quite an iconic soundtrack. Check out some of our exclusive photos from the maze below.

Black Sabbath are no strangers to the macabre and the darker side of life but the band is taking it to a whole new level with their brand new ‘Black Sabbath: 13 3D’ maze.

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