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Alternative Press Expo Coming back on October 12 and 13th 2013, the 20th annual Alternative Press Expo, or APE at San Francisco Concord Exhibition Center. APE is one of the leading alternative and self-published comics events in the country originally started by Dan Vado then taken over by Comic-Con its second year. Alternative Press Expo not only has the future great comics to read but the actual artist/writer behind the table. (Just imagine meeting the next Stan Lee when he first started writing...) Filled with art, books, DYI items, speakers, special guest, hands on workshops, there is so much much more to see.

Where the Beer is Warm and the Women Cold. Motorcycles OK. Once a staple for Stagehands and Bicycle Messengers, Zeitgeist, is now filled with fedora wearing Marina Kids complete with dock shoes on. The old regulars a once rambunctious punk fun crowd, rarely visit. Burgers are pretty good and even have gotten on the gluten free bun bandwagon, but Bloody Mary's are still fantastic and a classic. It's a fun place to catch a game, but seating is not usually available unless you park early. There is a pool table and Bike parking is in the Beer Garden. The beer Garden actually has a garden but is since neglected, probably do to change of ownership. Never go on a Beautiful Sunday afternoon unless your wearing your polo and dock shoes.

My American English dialect is super localized. True enough, I haven’t lived anywhere else in US http://spark.rstudio.com/jkatz/DialectQuiz/

The Grand Theft Auto series has been criticized, more than once, for its treatment of women. This is a franchise where you used to be able to use hookers for a health boost, and then kill them to get your money back, after all. And Grand Theft Auto V has gotten lambasted for this treatment. But is that valid? First of all, the answer to the question is “Yes, to some degree.” But it’s important to sort what’s received wisdom in the video game industry versus what Rockstar was trying to achieve, artistically. Consider the overall artistic bent of the Grand Theft Auto series. All of the games since Vice City, and Grand Theft Auto V in particular, are concerned with shining a light on some of America’s worst tendencies. And, let’s be frank here, one of those worst tendencies is misogyny. For example, the character of Mary-Ann, who anchors some of the game’s side missions, is a biting and painful satire of body image issues and self-esteem. She’s torturing herself and beating herself up for not winning, and it’s telling that she relentlessly calls herself a “fat loser” and angrily insists she doesn’t care that she’s thirty-six and unmarried. By the end of her quest chain, you feel genuinely sorry for her; the overall perspective is of a woman broken by society who doesn’t even realize it. You find this reflected all throughout the game. Listen closely to the ads on the radio and you’ll hear plugs for a stripper night school trying to prey on the insecurities of housewives, and an ad aimed at women insisting that if you’re tired of thinking independently, you should get a lobotomy. They even compare it to liposuction. I somehow doubt Rockstar thinks women should lobotomize themselves, call me nuts. And sadly, a video game acknowledging misogyny even exists in the first place is uncommon enough it should be singled out for praise. That said, the women in the game are NPCs, and relatively minor ones, at that. You can seduce strippers, which is an at best questionable choice for a game and so utterly unnecessary to gameplay you wonder why it’s even an option. If GTA Online will allow us to play as female characters, why not have female characters in the story mode? And they’re not nice people, at all, either; the only female character who comes off as remotely likable is Franklin’s girlfriend Tenisha, who takes one look at where his life is going and, smartly, walks right out the door. She has a couple of scenes. That’s… not a good track record. It is fair to point out that in the Grand Theft Auto franchise, everyone’s a monster; selfish, self-involved, venal, and dangerous. That said, though, the question is really one of focus. There’s no particular reason that Michael’s wife Amanda couldn’t have been the bank robber, or that Michael’s daughter Tracey is constantly in skimpy clothing and is heavily implied to have gone into porn for the attention. Satire doesn’t go far enough to cover lazy writing and thinking, and it’s also fair to argue that the women in Grand Theft Auto V are lazily written and thought out, especially as they slip to the periphery; they’re not people, but types. In short, there is misogyny in Grand Theft Auto V, but it’s a mix of the intentional and the unintentional. One suspects that GTA Online is a feeler for having a female protagonist in the next game; one hopes that Rockstar takes a moment to ensure all its characters are well written.

This news is less than surprising, given our apparently bottomless lack of taste as a species; a gold iPad Mini might be on the way as part of the Mini refresh. And it’ll also have the amusingly useless nipple scanner…errr…Touch ID because why the hell not? The rumor comes courtesy a Chinese site called DoNews, which has a spotty track record when it comes to this stuff, but it’s not like they’re telling us something a large corporation that likes money wouldn’t do. And honestly, it makes sense. Apple likes its mobile devices to look fairly similar to each other. The iPad and the iPhone have generally mirrored one another in design, and the Mini followed the trend; as wrong as all the old jokes about an iPad being four iPhones duct-taped together turned out to be, both are unmistakably Apple products that are part of the same line. And the iPad Mini is staggeringly popular, to the point where it’s outselling the iPad. So, considering how quickly the gold iPhone sold out, to some degree it only makes financial sense to give the people what they want and sell a matching Mini. All that said, it does so far appear that the iPad line, at least, will be spared the indignity of becoming a prop for insecure people to try and tell you how wealthy they are, but since those people will just have the thing gold-plated anyway, we guess in the end it’s a wash.

Black Sabbath are no strangers to the macabre and the darker side of life but the band is taking it to a whole new level with their brand new ‘Black Sabbath: 13 3D’ maze. Having made its debut on Friday, Sept. 20 at the premiere of Universal Studios Hollywood’s Halloween Horror Nights event, the attraction pulls dark themes from the legendary band’s latest disc ’13′ and brings them to a whole new level of dastardly delights. Fans who can’t make it to California to check out the metal masterpiece can watch the five-minute walk-through above to get a feel for what the attraction has to offer. Based on the music of Sabbath’s ‘13’ the maze takes fans through a ghoulish landscape of doom and gloom covering graveyards, battlefields and madhouses – just to name a few. On the night that the maze opened, Black Sabbath’s Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler were on hand to accept their very own Eyegore awards. Eyegore awards recognize achievements in horror and sci-fi making the band a perfect match. Ozzy’s wife Sharon was there to introduce her husband, sharing, “the quintessential black magic of Black Sabbath comes together on ’13′ to create their most powerful, brilliantly disturbing album yet.” So whether you’re a Sabbath fan or just a fan of the horror genre, the ‘Black Sabbath:” 13:3D’ maze is sure to be a hair-raising, crowd-pleaser with quite an iconic soundtrack. Check out some of our exclusive photos from the maze below.

Together, Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl made history. Nirvana broke new ground with ‘Nevermind’ in 1991 and the living members of the band are currently celebrating the 20-year anniversary of the band’s follow-up effort, 1993′s ‘In Utero.’ In a new interview, Grohl speaks with Rolling Stone about his relationship with the late Kurt Cobain, revealing his final exchange with the singer. When asked about the early days and living together as a band, Grohl recalled, “Living with Kurt was funny. He isolated himself in a lot of ways, emotionally. But he had a genuine, sweet nature. He never intentionally made you feel uncomfortable. Living with him in that tiny apartment in Olympia, Washington, there was some sort of bond. But it was much different than his relationship with Krist.” Speaking about that bond, Grohl characterized it as something more kin than what he personally shared with Cobain. He explains, “I looked at Krist and Kurt as soulmates. The two had such a beautiful, unspoken understanding of each other. Those two guys, together, totally defined the Nirvana aesthetic. Every quirk, all the strange things that came from Nirvana came from Krist and Kurt.” An overdose in Rome nearly claimed Cobain’s life prior to his eventual 1994 death, and Grohl recalls his final conversation with his colleague and friend. He states, “I called Kurt after Rome. I said, ‘Hey, man, that really scared everybody. And I don’t want you to die.’ Then I saw him at our accountant’s office [in Seattle]. He was walking out as I was walking in. He smiled and said, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ And I said, ‘I’ll give you a call.’ And he said, ‘Okay.’” Nirvana’s ‘Nevermind’ album turns 22 today (Sept. 24), while the ‘In Utero’ 20th anniversary edition (available here) arrives in stores today after celebrating its official 20th anniversary over the weekend. Read the entire interview with Grohl at Rolling Stone.

Part of the experience of living in San Francisco is going to events that are simple and free. Wondering around for Park(ing) Day in San Francisco a little park in a meter spot in front of a random building actually became the learning experience of [ Freespace ]

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved. Lyrics by the Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings." How does the affects of morphine (aka Herion) have on humans or animals in a isolated (caged) enviroment vs living in a social (park) enviroment. Researcher Bruce Alexander of Simon Fraser University along with researchers Robert B. Coambs, and Patricia F. Hadaway wrote The effect of housing and gender on morphine self-administration in rats. Using their experiement 'Rat Park' they learned the how the enviroments differed when the rats are administered morphine. The results are extrodinary for the rats in the 'Rat Park' with a 'choice day', the rats prevered to socialize and drink regular water 'kicking' their previous administered habit vs drink sugar water morphine. While the caged rats prever their sugar morphine water and even increasing their dose on their 'choice day'. After finishing reading the articals, a small studio is starting to look similar to a rat cage. Unfortunitly, the state of California has been closing is local and national parks. Learning about Alexander's study, one wonders how the drug addication in San Francisco is affected, especially with so many of its city parks now closed. Every day it seems that more and more trees are being cut down in the city. Be sure to read my post about Park(ing) Day this Friday in San Francisco. Or look for international parking day in your city at http://parkingday.org The experiement is far more indepth and well worth reading, but their is also a comic illustrated by Stuart McMillen.

Everyone’s favorite comedian Louis CK just won a Creative Arts Emmy (Emmy for short) for “Outstanding Writing In A Variety Special” for his HBO special “Oh My God.” The ginger-haired funnyman wasn’t at the award show itself, however. Probably because he’s kind of a badass like that and just didn’t want to show. Or it could be something like shingles. Perhaps it’s a combination of the two. THR made a note of CK’s absence. “Oh My God” was, as you may remember, pretty brilliant. Here’s his now-infamous closing bit, “Of Course But Maybe.”

After DC announced a new Harley Quinn series with writers Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti, they held a contest to let a fan draw a page for Harley Quinn #0. Unfortunately, one of the things they asked contestants to draw on spec was a scene depicting a naked Harley Quinn committing suicide: "Harley sitting naked in a bathtub with toasters, blow dryers, blenders, appliances all dangling above the bathtub and she has a cord that will release them all. We are watching the moment before the inevitable death. Her expression is one of “oh well, guess that’s it for me” and she has resigned herself to the moment that is going to happen." [DC's Open Talent Search] That artists were expected to draw sexualized violence of a woman before they could be considered for a job at DC caused just a wee bit of a kerfuffle, especially among people not familiar with the usual cartoon violence of the Harley Quinn character. This came to our attention last week when an epic rant about the contest went viral as f*ck with over 43,000 notes on Tumblr. Oh yeah, and this contest was announced right before National Suicide Prevention Week. The Mary Sue has an excellent recap of the blowout, but we’ll attempt to summarize. Jimmy Palmiotti responded that he should have included a “description of tone and dialogue” with the scene, adding that “it was supposed to be a dream sequence with Amanda and I talking to Harley and giving her a hard time. I should have also mentioned we were thinking a Mad magazine / Looney Tunes approach was what we were looking for.” He also said the fault didn’t lie with DC Comics for the lack of context with the suicide scene. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, American Psychiatric Association, and National Alliance on Mental Illness sent a statement to The Huffington Post stating their disappointment. Now DC Comics has responded to that statement, telling HuffPo: "The purpose of the talent search was to allow new artists an opportunity to draw a single page of a 20-page story. True to the nature of the character, the entire story is cartoony and over-the-top in tone, as Harley Quinn breaks the 4th Wall and satirizes the very scenes she appears in. DC Entertainment sincerely apologizes to anyone who may have found the page synopsis offensive and for not clearly providing the entire context of the scene within the full scope of the story." I’m still surprised that the backlash surprised DC. Did they not know that asking hopeful artists to depict a suicide, particularly the suicide of a naked woman, could piss people off? This should be a reminder that a diversity of backgrounds is something every workplace should have. Case in point, before the New 52 relaunch, 12% of DC’s creators were female. And after the relaunch? Only one percent female creators. Generally speaking, you’re going to have some serious blind spots and find yourself scrambling to make apologies after the fact if your creators are limited to 99% one gender or one race or one socioeconomic or geographic background, etc. And don’t be that guy who comments, “but women don’t read comics DURRRR” because they do and that guy sucks.

AMC, which cancelled The Killing last week, is losing Breaking Bad at the end of this month, and Mad Men next year, and still hasn’t found a viable replacement for either series (Low Winter Sun, sure as hell isn’t it), looks to be doing for The Walking Dead what the Saul Goodman spin-off is doing for Breaking Bad, which is to say: If you can’t succeed with new properties, just spin off the old. Indeed, AMC announced today that it is in the early stages of developing a spin-off to The Walking Dead, set for 2015. Details are scarce. Here’s what AMC had to say, according to TVLine. “Building on the success of the most popular show on television for adults 18-49 is literally a no-brainer,” said AMC prez Charlie Collier in a statement. “We look forward to working with Robert, Gale and Dave again as we develop an entirely new story and cast of characters. It’s a big world and we can’t wait to give fans another unforgettable view of the zombie apocalypse.” I wouldn’t call it a “no brainer,” since you’ll be diluting the power of the strongest series on the network, but for financial reasons, I see what they mean. Series creator Robert Kirkman added this: “After 10 years of writing the comic book series and being so close to the debut of our fourth, and in my opinion, best season of the TV series, I couldn’t be more thrilled about getting the chance to create a new corner of The Walking Dead universe. The opportunity to make a show that isn’t tethered by the events of the comic book, and is truly a blank page, has set my creativity racing.” We’ll bring you more details when they’re announced.

There are certain sci-fi movies we can watch every time they're on TV. Among these rewatchable sci-fi flicks is Luc Besson's The Fifth Element (1997). It has everything sci-fi goes great with: the humor, the refusal to take itself too seriously, the realistically incompetent authority figures (some things never change), the cool visuals and wardrobe, or the eclectic cast. Tommy "Tiny" Lister as the President? Yes please. Luc Besson recently gave a long interview about numerous things, like never getting paid for American adaptations of his Nikita, but here's the part of The Playlist's interview we zoned in on:

San Francisco's central neighborhood, the Tenderloin, once describe Dave Chapel "there aint nothing tender about that loin", is home to many residential in and outside the building. Found on Yelp, a San Francisco, internet company is personal favorite Crack Head Stories. The converstation was "finished" a few years ago, but still are available to read on yelp.com. Jason "Meatatarian!" B. says: While waiting for the bus on market, a crackhead decided he needed to use the bathroom on the curb. He then proceeded to ask everyone around, "you gots toilet paper?" Jewsyka V. says: I think when I first moved to the TL and my friend and I were walking past a guy who was just babbling complete stream of consciousness insanity, and then we blipped into his radar and he suddenly asked, very philosophically, "what is the colors of the hairs on a beautiful vagina?" would be my favorite moment. Chelsey G. says: Well I work iin the TL so I have quite a few. One of my favorites is when I was walking to work feeling clean and professional and a babbling crackhead with a toilet plunger started screaming at me and comming at me pushing the toilet plunger at me. I managed to swifty get away with out being touched by the plunger. It was pretty great. Vanessa "slipping into something more freudian" D. says: not sure if the guy was a crackhead, but i was coming back from a friend's house party and i found this gross man just SLEEPING in the driver's seat in my car! he busted the window, but nothing was taken. it was the weirdest thing. Eric "Paris Hilton" G. says: Crackhead older guy on BART train quietly until he got to his stop at 12st oakland when he stood up proclaimed- "So long everybody! I'm going to go snort some coke and stick my tongue up a prostitute's asshole. " Several of us applauded, (after the doors were firmly shut). Oh I forgot the best part- Some young guy from the back of the train yelled back at the guy before he stepped off- "Good luck with that!" John "JP" P. says: Walking down the street in the Haight, some guy, draggin a toaster by the cord behind him asking for change for his pet , "sparky". Wendy X. says: well, he was drunk, not on crack. I was eating at chabaa at about 12am ish. apparently this drunk guy thought the parking meter was his wife or something... started doing some pole dance w/ the parking meter while crying. a police car was passing by&he drops dead&falls "asleep" it was pretty hilarious, but kind of sad=[ Lib "go scratch" P. says: not my favorite but most disgusting. Sitting in a bar in the mission on a sunny afternoon visiting my friend/bartender. A working gal with an obvious drug habit came in and asked if she could use the bathroom. She said it was an emergency. My friend said no, that there was a strict policy not to let non-paying ppl. in. I actually argued w/ the bartender and said she looked distressed. But still a no go. Gal storms out, pulls down her pants and within seconds had explosive d. all over the front door area. I felt bad for her. Martin "What I gotta doooooo?" B. says: I used to live across the street from a crack house and saw this lady crackhead walking around topless in the middle of the street in the pouring rain. This other dude would play frisbee with himself in the driveway between two parked cars. He had about 8 feet of space and would try to pop the frisbee up in the air on his fingers over and over again. Crazy people and never a dull moment. I really don't miss it at all Harmonika S. says: It's 7 am on a Winter morning, riding the 71 Haight to work in the upper Haight. 1989. At Divisadero, a crack addict gets on the bus and drops his crack rock into the glass coin catcher, then proceeds to kick the shit out of the device, frightening the driver and just about everyone else OFF the bus ( I had to stay and watch) until he retrieved his precious rock. The police were called, the crackie ran away, and we all had to wait for another bus. Barry "oneness is achieved by recognizing yourself" A. says: Riding shotgun with a co-worker and we pull up to the light on the corner of 11th n Mission. Dude that is a spitting image of Clint Howard is leaning against the green City trash receptacle. Sitting on top that trash receptacle displayed proudly in the center is a capped jar of the jelly size/type. It appears to be filled with urine. Me: "Ey man, that's a nice lookin' jar a piss ya got there" Clint: *picking up jar and holding it up to his face in a slightly disturbing, potentially "throw ready" position* "I'M GOING TO THE DOCTOR!!!" Co-worker and I: "Oh shit!" The light turned green at the perfect time. I almost got us piss-bombed. Still funny. This was in '00.

"Haunted play House" created by the members of Torafu Architect for MOT, Museum of Contemporary art Tokyo gives a art gallery a more interactive approach. From the outside of the cube the works of art look fine as the Mona Lisa does every day, until you think her eyes move or Her HANDS? Through a secret passage to the inside children or small adults can interact with famous Fine Art pieces such as, the Mona Lisa or the Girl with the Pearl Earring. Truly fun and creative way to engage kids in learning about art.

Jason Statham and James Franco have teamed up for a new thriller called Homefront, which is based on the best-selling novel by Chuck Logan. Sylvester Stallone wrote the script. We have our first look at the two actors today in a few photos that were released on USA Today. The story follows a DEA agent who moves to a small town after he's finished with his life fighting crime. As you might expect, once he moves to the small town he ends up fighting crime again. Director Gary Fleder talked about the film a little, explaining,

As the saga of Miley Cyrus’ strange obsession with twerking and becoming a hip hop star continues into what feels like its 100th year, not a lot of people have been asking perhaps the most important and interesting question: What does Billy Ray Cyrus think of all of this? According to Miley, dad couldn’t be happier and told her that he loved the whole foam finger, simulated doggystyle sex performance with Robin Thicke at the MTV VMAs last month, but that’s like me saying that my parents are proud of me for being a blogger. Singer Lionel Richie has a feeling that he knows what Billy Ray is going through, because his own daughter, Nicole Richie, was once a wild reality TV starlet and also a drug addict, but she has gone on to become a fashion icon and role model to all of the girls that she and Paris Hilton brainwashed for years. With that, Lionel offered Billy Ray a little advice.

Bruno Mars has been offered a much coveted opportunity to perform during the 2014 Super Bowl Halftime Show, and considering Beyonce‘s performance last year blacked out the entire stadium and reunited Destiny’s Child, he has some big shoes to fill. The NFL announced the news yesterday (September 8) on the show ‘FOX NFL Sunday’ just before the kick-off and teased that Mars would be making regular appearances throughout the football season to tell fans what he has in store. (Basically, it’s a giant ploy to get people who don’t watch football to watch football. Yeah, good luck with that.) “The Pepsi Super Bowl halftime show is the most-watched musical event of the year,” the NFL announced in a statistic-filled statement. “More than 110.5 million viewers in the U.S. watched last year’s show.” The 2014 Super Bowl game will take place at the MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J. on February 2. Make sure to tune in for the halftime show, the commercials, the food and alcohol with family and friends and, least importantly, the football.

It must be hard to be James Deen, the Farrah Abraham-boning hipster porn god who Bret Easton Ellis was so obsessed with that he wrote a sh*tty, Kickstarter-funded movie for he and Lindsay Lohan to star in. Apparently, Deen gets so many emails — hundreds per day, according to his website — from girls looking to bang him that he’s added a section to his website where girls aching for his f*ckstick can apply to get sexed by him.

Keanu Reeves is all about the martial arts films these days! He's got 47 Ronin coming out, which looks awesome, and then there's this Man of Tai Chi, which also looks pretty cool. Reeves not only starred in this movie, but he directed it too. It kind of has a Mortal Kombat vibe to it, especially at the end when Reeves yells out, "Finish Him!" Set in modern Beijing, the film follows the spiritual journey of a young martial artist (played by Tiger Chen) whose unparalleled Tai Chi skills land him in a highly lucrative underworld fight club. As the fights intensify, so does his will to survive. The film incorporates an innovative camera technology that helped capture the 18 fight sequences, which take up 40-minutes of the film. They used Bot & Dolly's "Iris," which is the world's most advanced robotic motion control camera system in order to capture the action up close and personal with camera moves only possible before in video games and other CG environments. Then the fight sequences in the movie were directed by renowned action choreographer Yuen Woo Ping (the Matrix Trilogy, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon). So we know those are going to be amazing. Check out whats in store for us in the trailer below!

Here's the first full trailer for the indie drama Kill Your Darlings, which has a great cast of actors that includes Daniel Radcliffe, Dane DeHaan, Michael C. Hall, Ben Foster, and Jack Huston. This was a solidly good movie, and here's the synopsis:

Here's a great video from PBS that features Tom Hiddleston teaching Cookie Monster a lesson about self-control. Maybe waving a cookie in front of Cookie Monster's face isn't the best way to start this lesson out. Like a true villain, Hiddleston just sits there teasing him with a cookie the whole time, but good things come to those who wait. Well... that's what I heard!

Mercedes-Benz New York Fashion Week 2013 began this week and that should mean absolutely nothing to anyone reading this website. Here is the basic idea — a bunch of designers you can’t afford show off clothes you’ll never own to a crowd of famous people you’ll never get to meet. Occasionally, there are naked boobs. Instead of showing pictures of the absurd 2014 clothing lines, we went back into the archives to check out the awful styles of the past. Sadly, any of this stuff would work on the runway today. Here are fourteen men’s styles that thankfully never filtered down to your local Target.

We really can’t handle the truth: Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson is retiring from acting. Nicholson, 76, quietly stepped down from a 50-year career. “Jack has — without fanfare — retired,” an insider told Radar Online. The rationale behind his decision has to do with his aging. “There is a simple reason behind his decision — it’s memory loss. Quite frankly, at 76, Jack has memory issues and can no longer remember the lines being asked of him,” the source revealed. “His memory isn’t what it used to be.” Nicholson, who was nominated for a record 12 Academy Awards for acting (winning three), will continue enjoying the spotlight — just not starring in it. “Jack has no intention of retiring from the limelight,” the source said, noting the Oscar winner’s regular courtside Lakers games and Academy Award presentation with First Lady Michelle Obama in February. “He’s not retiring from public life, at all. He just doesn’t want a tribute,” the source said. “He’s happy to tacitly join the retirees club like Sean Connery.” We’ll miss you, Jack!

Sort of lost in the excitement of Jon Stewart’s epic return to the Daily Show last night was the fact that he delivered a hilarious but poignant rant segment on the situation with Syria, a situation that increasingly points to war – despite the Obama White House’s insistence to not call it “war” – with each passing day. And what we’ve been told is the main justification for some form of military intervention in Syria is that its leader, Bashar al-Assad, has allegedly killed scores of his own people using chemical weapons. Gee, where have we heard that one before? (Note to authoritarian rulers: if you want to kill a bunch of your own citizens, do it with machetes and guns and other more conventional weaponry and there won’t be any trouble.) “You can’t use chemicals to kill your own people, you have to do it organically!” Stewart said. “America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally-sourced free long-range ordnance.” After playing a series of clips of the usual idiot cable news pundits insisting that by not bombing Syria — the secret motivation for which some naturally think has more to do with the Western world’s insatiable thirst for fossil fuels than it does with humanitarian efforts — Obama would look weak, Stewart reminded us that if the United States were a person it’d more often than not be a schoolyard bully, and one ravished with insecurity over having a little dick at that. “So given the fact that we have no idea who would have control over these chemical weapons in a failed Syria, remind us again why we have to do this?” Stewart asked. “Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we’re in seventh grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually a dick-measuring ribbon.” Enjoy…